Q: How do I effectively communicate with my toddler when he is throwing a tantrum? I often find myself getting frustrated with our inability to communicate with each other.
A: Toddlers often throw tantrums when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or trying to communicate their needs unsuccessfully. The best way to communicate with a fit-throwing toddler is to first REGULATE. Meaning focus on soothing your child, helping them to feel safe, seen, calm and loved. Second, RELATE to your child using a sing-song soft tone of voice with words like, “I see how hard this is for you” or “I know how sad this is for you,” focusing on the bond, not the behavior. Finally, REASON. Now that your child is calm, it is time to talk about choices. Give them two choices of positive alternatives, setting limits while assuring them you love them and that their behavior is not working well for you. Help them to ask for their needs to be met.You might even tell a story of a time that you lost your temper and the lesson you learned from it. Toddlers love stories told with animation and a good ending. And, truth be told, we all act like toddlers sometimes. It’s ok to laugh and be honest about it. Learning to regulate our emotions is a lifelong art and skill. Since my practice focuses on nervous system regulation of children implementing the 30 Day Blackout, I will mention that removing screens from your toddler’s life for 30 days has been found to increase closeness while decreasing tantrums, behavior concerns, and poor sleeping habits of young children. It is certainly worth a try, and you can follow the protocol by reading the 30 Day Blackout.
A: Toddlers often throw tantrums when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or trying to communicate their needs unsuccessfully. The best way to communicate with a fit-throwing toddler is to first REGULATE. Meaning focus on soothing your child, helping them to feel safe, seen, calm and loved. Second, RELATE to your child using a sing-song soft tone of voice with words like, “I see how hard this is for you” or “I know how sad this is for you,” focusing on the bond, not the behavior. Finally, REASON. Now that your child is calm, it is time to talk about choices. Give them two choices of positive alternatives, setting limits while assuring them you love them and that their behavior is not working well for you. Help them to ask for their needs to be met.You might even tell a story of a time that you lost your temper and the lesson you learned from it. Toddlers love stories told with animation and a good ending. And, truth be told, we all act like toddlers sometimes. It’s ok to laugh and be honest about it. Learning to regulate our emotions is a lifelong art and skill. Since my practice focuses on nervous system regulation of children implementing the 30 Day Blackout, I will mention that removing screens from your toddler’s life for 30 days has been found to increase closeness while decreasing tantrums, behavior concerns, and poor sleeping habits of young children. It is certainly worth a try, and you can follow the protocol by reading the 30 Day Blackout.
Q: As much as I want to trust my teenager, I constantly find myself questioning his whereabouts and who he is spending time with. How do I let go and give him independence while also ensuring his safety and well being?
A: This is a difficult question to answer because I don’t have enough information to go off of, but here are some thoughts: Trust is built early in life. If you have a young man (or young lady) who is in training to become an adult and finding yourself not trusting them, and questioning their choices and uncomfortable with who they are spending time with, it might be time for some repair in the relationship. It is difficult to let go until the relationship is secure and independence earned based on trustworthy behavior.What I find in my practice with young men and ladies who are training to become adults is that many of them are stuck at a younger emotional age. The way you help a young person heal is to meet them, without shame, at that younger emotional age, helping them to grow into their current chronological age by giving them corrective emotional experiences. One of my favorite ways to do this is through my communication mats. These are my “Magic Mats”, where I choreograph a connecting conversation, parent to teen and teen to parent, allowing them a chance to learn the lost art of listening. Using communication mats with a teen for conflict resolution is like sending them to driver’s education prior to driving an automobile. The mats are like training wheels for healthy communication and I am constantly amazed at how well parents and their children can resolve many of their concerns on their own, without the need for clinical services, but they simply do not have a tool for teaching the beauty of listening well. The connecting conversations on the mats many times solve the relational problem, gives each a voice and allows for healthy boundaries to be set.If you decide to use communication mats in your home and find that you are “stuck”, you may call a family therapist for help. Look for a systemic family therapist who is trained to work with the whole family, as a conflict in the home typically affects the whole family system. Calling a therapist for some tweaking in your relationship is not a sign of weakness but of strength, as it requires great strength to ask for help.
A: This is a difficult question to answer because I don’t have enough information to go off of, but here are some thoughts: Trust is built early in life. If you have a young man (or young lady) who is in training to become an adult and finding yourself not trusting them, and questioning their choices and uncomfortable with who they are spending time with, it might be time for some repair in the relationship. It is difficult to let go until the relationship is secure and independence earned based on trustworthy behavior.What I find in my practice with young men and ladies who are training to become adults is that many of them are stuck at a younger emotional age. The way you help a young person heal is to meet them, without shame, at that younger emotional age, helping them to grow into their current chronological age by giving them corrective emotional experiences. One of my favorite ways to do this is through my communication mats. These are my “Magic Mats”, where I choreograph a connecting conversation, parent to teen and teen to parent, allowing them a chance to learn the lost art of listening. Using communication mats with a teen for conflict resolution is like sending them to driver’s education prior to driving an automobile. The mats are like training wheels for healthy communication and I am constantly amazed at how well parents and their children can resolve many of their concerns on their own, without the need for clinical services, but they simply do not have a tool for teaching the beauty of listening well. The connecting conversations on the mats many times solve the relational problem, gives each a voice and allows for healthy boundaries to be set.If you decide to use communication mats in your home and find that you are “stuck”, you may call a family therapist for help. Look for a systemic family therapist who is trained to work with the whole family, as a conflict in the home typically affects the whole family system. Calling a therapist for some tweaking in your relationship is not a sign of weakness but of strength, as it requires great strength to ask for help.
Q: My young child sometimes says words he learns from classmates that we do not allow to be said in our home. How do I teach him that just because he heard a friend say something does not mean it is okay to repeat?
A: Ahhh, the joys of parenting…This is difficult because young children in school spend so much time with their peers, and are at an age where they are very easily influenced. A sit-down family conversation is probably in order, using a simple formula I find helpful with most of the families I work with. The formula is this: “I feel…, I need…, Would you be willing…”So it might sound something like, “I feel sad when you use that word because that word is not an appropriate word for you to say. I need you to understand that some families allow their children to say that word and each family is different. We do not allow that word in our home or anywhere else. I need you to find a different word, please. Let’s think of one together.” And then, with a light-hearted sense of humor simply allow the child to try again with a respectful word, a “do-over”, and move on. If it happens again you rinse and repeat until the child has been trained to put his or her family values above the culture in which they are living. Not easy. Worth it.
A: Ahhh, the joys of parenting…This is difficult because young children in school spend so much time with their peers, and are at an age where they are very easily influenced. A sit-down family conversation is probably in order, using a simple formula I find helpful with most of the families I work with. The formula is this: “I feel…, I need…, Would you be willing…”So it might sound something like, “I feel sad when you use that word because that word is not an appropriate word for you to say. I need you to understand that some families allow their children to say that word and each family is different. We do not allow that word in our home or anywhere else. I need you to find a different word, please. Let’s think of one together.” And then, with a light-hearted sense of humor simply allow the child to try again with a respectful word, a “do-over”, and move on. If it happens again you rinse and repeat until the child has been trained to put his or her family values above the culture in which they are living. Not easy. Worth it.